This photographic project, which includes 12 4"x6" images printed on 8"x10" Stonehenge paper with golden foil over the subject's body parts, explores the urge to escape from reality and the idea of wanting to disappear. The photographic and foil printmaking processes are combined in this project to create a cryptic effect that invites viewers to look closer.

The prints of my self-portrait in various postures at different spots in my old home depict my struggle with feelings of emptiness, despair, melancholy, anxiety, fear, and confusion. The stencil was used to carve out my body parts, which I later positioned over the image to paint the polymer over the area where I wanted the gold foil to go. To generate a varied tonality of gold impression, the gold foil sheet was utilized along with the translucent orange golden foil. Aside from being one of my favorite colors, gold represents spiritual illumination, sacredness, and durability; it is precious. It's also comparable to the pinnacle of spiritual development. In this series, where I believe gold is sacred and I want to be free of suffering, it works well in the sense of disappearing. As a Buddhist, I associate gold with high spiritual power and Nirvana, which is a transcendent state in which there is no suffering, desire, or sense of self, and the subject is freed from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. What I believe may not be entirely consistent with Buddhism, but it is how I perceive it in my own way because I no longer want to feel anything.

To make the gold foil stand out more, the image's color was slightly muted. The Stonehenge paper softens the image with a white texture similar to noise to help set the desired mood and tone for this series, which is depression and sadness.

In this series, I'd like to show my vulnerability at a difficult period in my life when depression and sorrow overtook me and I couldn't handle it. Like many of us, my life has been up and down, but I am usually good at managing it. However, it had been piling up to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer. At the time, I was unable to do anything. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt despondent and unable to make a decision because my decision would hurt others. I wish I could endure all of the pain for everyone I care about. I was at a point where I wanted to escape from this world because I didn't want to make any decisions. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I also didn't know what I wanted. I had a lot of confusion. I wanted to please everyone, but I couldn't. It was really uncomfortable and my tears would break down at any time, anywhere, and I couldn't stop it. I felt like a problem.

Although the desire to disappear was purely emotional, I was also fading from the eyes of those around me. I stayed inside and did not interact with anyone. I was vanishing from my community and society. My presence was fading even among my family members.

Even now, I can relate because I haven't been able to return to Thailand in three years, my presence there is fading, and I am still confused and searching for my purpose.

This work tries to share a personal struggle with which I believe many people associate. I don't expect people to understand me by sharing this intimate series, but I do want those who have had similar experiences to realize they're not alone. We may have days when we are exhausted and want to give up, but please do not give up and keep walking. Nothing lasts forever, regardless of depression, anxiety, or any other personal issue. It will pass, and it will make us stronger as individuals.

Summer 2022